SixFourThree

After a first-round bye, the Dodgers face their first test against the crew from Colorado.  It boils down to a battle between gangsta rap and old-fashioned folk: 2Pac penned “To Live and Die in LA” and spit a memorable verse in “California”, while John Denver sang “Rocky Mountain High” (though any Dumb and Dumber fan will tell you that John Denver is full of it).          

Now, let’s break down the contestants…

The Broadway Barometer

These days, all anyone seems to be talking about is Main Street and Wall Street (or Rockies’ reliever Huston Street).  But the true test of a baseball team is how they perform on 42^nd Street. 

That’s right, I’m talking about Broadway, baby.  Legendary shows like “West Side Story” and “Carousel” and “Fiddler on the Roof,” not to mention “Oklahoma!” and “Kiss Me, Kate” (or as Broadway Joe Namath would call it, “Kiss me, Kolber”). 

Both the Dodgers and the Rockies have representation on the Great White Way.  

 

The Rockies lend their namesake to “The Rocky Horror Picture Show,” the cult classic about transvestite Transylvanians and singing scientists.  “Rocky Horror” burst on to the British stage in 1973, exactly 20 years before the Rockies burst on the scene as an expansion team.  Since its debut, “Rocky Horror” has been a mainstay on the stage and the screen, selling out midnight shows across the country. 

Rocky Horror’s most famous song, “Time Warp,” even has some lyrics that are tailor-made for March:

It’s astounding, time is fleeting, 

Madness takes its toll.

But listen closely, not for very much longer

I’ve got to keep control…

Meanwhile, L.A.’s boys in blue are name-dropped in everyone’s favorite musical about an orphan. No, not Dorothy in “The Wizard of Oz.”  Go younger.  No, not little orphan “Annie.”  Go across the pond. 

I’m talking about “Oliver!”  (Not to be confused with “Oliver?”)  As in Oliver Twist; as in, “Please sir, I’d like some more”; as in, friend of the Artful Dodger. The Dodger is the eldest member of Fagin’s gang of thieving orphans, and he welcomes Oliver to the group with the ditty “Consider Yourself.”

Consider yourself our mate.

We don’t want to have no fuss

For after some consideration, we can state…

Consider yourself…

One of us!

Sounds a lot like the pitch Torre and the Dodgers brass must have made to Manny, right? Here’s 25 million dollars, Mr. Ramirez—now don’t fuss.    

Consider yourself well in.

Consider yourself part of the furniture.

There isn’t a lot to spare.

Who cares?

Whatever we’ve got we share.

By the looks of the Dodgers salary page on ESPN.com, there sure isn’t a lot to spare.  No one else besides Manny even has a salary listed for 2009. 

I especially like that line about being “part of the furniture.”  I guess that’d make Manny a La-Z-Boy.

(Rim shot.) 

(Thank you folks, I’ll be here all week.  Try the veal. And don’t forget to tip your waitress.)

“Rocky Horror” and “Oliver!” are two great shows, so we need a tiebreaker.  Well, Tonies are given to the best show on Broadway.  The Dodgers have a Tony (third baseman Tony Abreu); the Rockies don’t.  Tiebreaker goes to LA. 

 

 ADVANTAGE: DODGERS

 

Age before beauty

The average age of the Dodgers lineup is 28.6, while the Rockies clock in at a youthful 27.8.  Let’s round up and say the Dodgers are 29 years old, while the Rockies are 28 (all that mountain air must keep them young).  That means the Dodgers are, on average, almost a full year older than the Rockies. 

Does one year older mean one year wiser?  Or does having Manny cancel out any wisdom that old age may bring? 

I say the latter. 

 

ADVANTAGE: ROCKIES

 

Selfish reasons

I live in Los Angeles.  I don’t live in Colorado.

 

 ADVANTAGE: DODGERS

 

By a score of 2-1, the Dodgers advance to take on the Diamondbacks in the final.           

-David