SixFourThree

(said in the creepy “LOST” voice)

Previously, on the NL West Preview…

In the play-in game, Colorado crushed the Giants with the help of a superior porn performance.  Then in the opening round, the Diamondbacks (sans Byung-Hyun) pasted the Padres and the Dodgers won a (42nd) street fight with the Rockies.  Five entered, only the Dodgers and D’Backs remain.

In honor of L.A.’s Manny Ramirez, who says (and does) whatever is on his mind, we will decide the first portion of the contest with that game that psychologists play and get paid $500 bucks an hour for: free association. I will start out with the names of the two teams, then I will type the first thing that comes to my head, and we’ll see where this ends up.

Disclaimer: The thoughts in the dark recesses of my unconscious mind are not reflective of the views of Six-Four-Three; in addition, Six-Four-Three is not responsible for any emotional breakthroughs that result from this psychological exercise.

With my apologies to William Faulkner, here goes…

The Free Association Factor

Arizona Diamondbacks…University of Maryland newspaper The Diamondback (I see you, Gluskin)… Maryland basketball coach Gary Williams…barbaloots(he looks like one), those furry brown creatures with round noses from Dr Seuss’ The Lorax… One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish… Gefilte fish… Sunday School.

L.A. Dodgers…draft dodgers…Vietnam…straw hats…Raiden from Mortal Kombat…the Mortal Kombat movie with Sonya Blade played by Mrs. Pete Sampras, a.k.a. the hot blonde from Billy Madison… do you have any more gum?… bubblegum… Bubble Tape – it’s six feet of bubblegum for you, not them … Saturday morning cartoons.

So, after that brief and wondrous trip through my mind, we come to Sunday School versus Saturday morning cartoons. Waking up early on a Sunday to daven (or pray, for our goyish readership) versus bolting out of bed, running down the stairs two at a time, sliding in my socks across the wood floor, leaping onto the couch, lunging for the remote, turning on the TV, and spending a solid two hours watching “Denver, the Last Dinosaur,” “You Can’t Do That On Television,” and “The Real Ghostbusters.”

(Quick note: watch the “You Can’t Do That” intro and tell me that Monty Python doesn’t deserve royalties from that show. Isn’t that a blatant rip-off? Or do we call that an homage?)

Anyway, the choice is clear: long live the Wuzzles!

 

ADVANTAGE: DODGERS

 

Stadium Stuffing

Back in the fall when I first moved to Los Angeles, a friend of mine who is a Cubs fan (hard to believe those two things aren’t mutually exclusive) offered me a ticket for the NLDS between the Cubs and the Dodgers. He had Game 3 and Game 4 tickets; Game 3 tickets were in the All-You-Can-Eat section in right field, while Game 4 tickets were a little cheaper but had a better view.

I picked Game 4, figuring the underdog Dodgers would at least win one of the first three, and I’d get to see my first game at Dodger Stadium. I ignored the possibility that the Cubs would crap the bed and lose three straight games, thus depriving me of my virginal trip to Chávez Ravine. How I could ignore this possibility after living 21 years of my life in Chicago is beyond me, but the Cubs defy all rational thought, so who can blame me?

In hindsight, I made a tragic mistake. Not only did I give up the chance to watch the Dodgers sweep the Cubs in person, I passed on an All-You-Can-Eat section. Sound it out with me—All. You. Can. Eat.

Some of what you can eat? A sizable portion of what you can eat? No. ALL that you can eat. I stared nirvana square in the eye and I blinked. It is not one of my prouder moments.

With this gluttony coupled with Manny’s sloth, Boras’ greed, and everyone’s envy of Juan Pierre (he’s in a Jay-Z verse!), the Dodgers have cornered the market on deadly sins.

As for Arizona’s ballpark, they finally got hip to this stroke of gastronomic genius and are launching their own all-you-can-eat section for 2009.

So, Los Angeles did it first. But in the immortal words of the 9-year-old me who woke up early on Saturday mornings once upon a time, “First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the hairy chest.”

The D’Backs did it second, so in a stunning twist, they take the category.

 

ADVANTAGE: DIAMONDBACKS

Selfish reasons, part 2

As of this posting, I still live in Los Angeles. Been here seven months now. You know where I don’t live? Arizona.

 

ADVANTAGE: DODGERS

 

The Dodgers beat the ‘Backs by a count of 2 to 1, and they are your NL West champions.   True to form, LA fans still do not care, and instead make a collective half-hearted complaint about having no football team.

- David

Click for larger image to see all six division winners